First confession:

Unfortunatly I have to continue my venture into the world of blogging with a confession: I am a little too concerened of what people think of me. If you check out the date on my first post, it was well over a month ago. Yet only yesterday did I finally have the courage to let anyone know I was even blogging! As soon as I hit "submit" on that oh so heart-bearing docuement, I was mortified. Let's be real: I don't like sharing my "yuck". I am pretty darn happy to pick you to pieces until you will tell me how YOU truly are doing, but a smile and a quick comment is good enough in return when you ask how I am. Don't get me wrong, when I pester you about your feelings/heart/thoughts...it is out of pure love and a desire to share your burden (a shared burden is easier carried...). But for some reason I can be exceedingly selective when it comes to who I let see ME: naked, scarred, and without my "great" mask on. I guess my earlier statement isn't quite true. It isn't so much about being worried about what people think, it is more about hating the feeling that I am whinning. I can't stand whiny people! So to me, when I keep complaining and un-loading I see myslef through other people's eyes as being un-grateful, whiny, irritating, and pathetic.
But you know what I have realized lately? I can go through all this crap, make it through and never look back (which is fine). OR, I can be real. I can open up, pour out my heart, cry when I feel like it, and allow God to work through my experiences. I guess there is nothing inherently wrong in not being transparent. But it doesn't allow others to see God's glory working through my life. Ouch. What a waste! Why experience everything I have in my 23 years of life and then shut it away and never allow the majesty and miracle of it all to see the light of day?
So here is what it boils down to I guess: There is a defference between sharing our burdens, and complaining. Being real, and being whinny.
I recently stumbled onto an artist who blows me away. I have not yet been able to listen to his album without bawling from song to song. (Just go with me here...it will tie in eventually:) His name is Jason Gray, and he stutters. A sentence that for most of us is brainless, is painstaking for him. But give that man a microphone, and he will give anyone a run for their money. It cannot be explained as anything other than a God given talent and calling.
One of his songs "you hold the key" talks about how as humans we were born to be open. But through the hurts and dissapointent of life we lock our heart away to protect it. The catch 22 though, is that in locking it away, we put ourselves in shackles. We can only REALLY be free when we are not ashamed, scarred, or angry over what has brought us to where we are. For crying out loud, this man can't speak! Yet he has the courage to get up in front of thousands and pour his heart out through song! I highly suggest you check him out, hopefully it wil change you like it has me.
Like I said before, God has been shaking my foundations. I would rather sing than breathe. But over the years I have locked that desire away to protect myself. From judgement, dissapointment, and the potential that God might not come through like he has promised to. (stupid i know) Long story short, I have reached the end of my rope. I can no longer deny this burning desire, because it is eating me alive.
Now here is where the foundation shaking comes in. To me, joining the youth worship team and (oh my!) branching out to Sunday mornings is good enough. But wouldn't you know it, God has bigger plans! Out of nowhere I got smacked upside the head with this crazy idea: what if I go to music in the rockies this year? what if I submit a song? what if I put myself out there in front of hundreds of people to be judged and critiqued? (Can you hear my voice going up an octave with each question? I am sweating just writing this!) You know what? God does not give us dreams and gifts to torture us. He puts them in our heart because he loves us, and what delights us, delights him!
As my beautiful friend Jocelynn asked me a few months ago, what is the worst that could happen by putting myself out there? Well, I of course responded that I might fall. That God may not be there to catch me (Again, stupid.) IT IS NOT ABOUT ME! It is about worshipping my king. It is about giving HIM the glory and letting HIM be responsible for the how and the why. Because I can do things my way and I probably will fall. But if I do them HIS way, he will never, Never, NEVER fail me. He can't. It is just not who he is.
We will see where things go. But at this point, my heart is pounding and my palms are sweaty because I know that even if it isn't music in the rockies, God is getting ready to put me in places that I am NOT comfortable going. Sweaty, terrified, and unsure...I will follow where he leads. Because the safest place to be is in the center of God's will :) (Look up the origins of that little statment by the way, it will probably surprise you.)
So, this wasn't as organized as I would have liked it to be. But it is me. Naked, scarred...un-ashamed. Are you along for the ride?

Jason Gray, More like falling in love:
"All relgion ever made of me
was a sinner with a stone
tied to me feet.."